We got so high we made milksteak
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
