I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Randomize
