mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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