im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
