I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
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