and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Randomize
