I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
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