My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
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