This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Randomize
