I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
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Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
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Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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