It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Randomize
