I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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