I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Randomize
