I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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