Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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