so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Randomize
