I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
