why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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