Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
