3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Randomize
