State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
