morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
