I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
