I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Randomize
