Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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