So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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