Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
