Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
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