It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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