Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
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