John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
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