Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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