It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Holy sore nipples Batman
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
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