Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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