I'm eating all of the evidence.
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
