I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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