Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
Randomize
