My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
