Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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