Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Randomize
