It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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