She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
You left your phone here
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