I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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