Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Randomize
