my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
