Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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