she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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