oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
