Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
