the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
My life is pants optional.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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