Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
