That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
