ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
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