I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
He better not be in your backpack
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
I forget how to act sober
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
