How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
