She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
