Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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