respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
