New low: just hacked my moms facebook
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
as a side note pls kill me
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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