Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
