dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
You did what with his pubic hair?
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